Wednesday, 29 August 2012

A Whirlpool of Feelings & Emotions

It is indeed another wonderful day, nearing the end of Winter, follow in close is Spring. There are already signs of Spring from the trees and plants that I walked past this morning on the way to the library.

There have been not much changes for the past few weeks even after my work visa was approved, I am still waiting for work, every single day. Sometimes, I wonder whether it is indeed the right choice to stay here when everyone asked me to go home.

Another 42 days, and it will exactly be a year I am here in this foreign land. I have not much friends here as most of them have already moved on ~ back to their countries or they are continuing their travels to other countries before heading back to their home country.

My decision to stay is not exactly my own decision nor my choice. I believe that it was God's choice for me, putting me in this situation to test me whether be obedient or follow my own head. I chose to obey and stay.

I guess staying is the only option for me when all savings ran out and I can't go anywhere. It was a helpless feeling and there seems to be no one around who can help me. Friends? I am not even sure whether they are really my friends, though they offered help and a listening ear. I do not know whom to trust anymore. I felt suffocated and so lost. I almost cried every night.

It all started when I foolishly involved myself with people that I am not supposed to involve with, though I am glad that I met them. As they have taught me things that I have no chance of ever learning back home.

Feelings and emotions ~ these are the only elements which I honestly do not truly understand myself. I might sound like the whole world is going down on me, well, truth is, it IS!! But all that was over now... I can move forward, my heart was hardened towards any kind of relationship for now and it's currently only filled by two ~ God and him.

Him? Yes, I foolishly allow myself to be open to him. I thought that we will actually be able to be together, he will change if I just continue to love him. I was once being told by a friend from home when I updated my relationship as 'Complicated', he simply said, "It is not that complicated, all you need to do is to continue to love, persevere...". I wish that it was that simple, well, most of the time a lot of the things are easier said than done!

Whenever we were together, we were happy, satisfied, caring for each other, doing things together ~ we cooked, chatted, talked about many things, played games and went places, but there's always a wall between us. We were not ready to commit to each other. I guess that was the reason why we drifted apart after he left to continue his travels with his friend for a matter of 3 months.

We did kept in touch but the timing got worse when I was scheduled to work longer hours and there were other reasons why he drifted further. I finally found out after the first week he left, I was in love with him, but I never admitted it and from then on, I started to suffer. I was insecure, I cried, I called out to him to talk to me more, to reach out to me, but that does not help much. We were so far apart.

As someone who trusts and believe in God that He will bring all the goodness to me in life, I went back to Him crying for help, stretching out my arms like a small child crying helplessly for Him to come and comfort me. God did, He calmed me down, showed and showered me with lots of His love. He blessed me with countless things that I want to sing and shout out all my joy and gratefulness to Him everywhere I go.

Life was not much easier for me when its time for me to leave draws closer. I tried to extend my stay and at the same time I missed him a lot. I told him that we might never see each other when I can't stay but i persevered and my extension got through, he was happy that I can stay through.

Three months for the extension was not long, I worked and I thought that I may not be able to gain a work visa if I cannot get a job offer here and continue to stay is out of the question. I was really down and he was always there to cheer me up, he talked to me, told me to try, told me not to give up so easily, told me that we will certainly meet again, told me that we will certainly be together when he comes back, he asked me to wait for him. He even suggested me to get a tourist's visa if I really cannot get a work visa.

Was I the confused one who relied on his words back then or was he the one just simply leading me blindly when he cannot fulfill what he promised me? I was hopeful and I was filled with joy waiting for him to come back from his travels. I prayed every single day that God will certainly changed his mind to commit to relationship we both need to take if we really want to be together.

I was hopeful,  too hopeful... I fell down hard...  Where I stand now?!